So my updates on this blog this week has been close to nonexistent, but I've just been too busy thinking and the thoughts have been too tangled to write down. I have been thinking about everything, and I've got more posts to come about these thoughts. I'd like to send out a warning that some of these thinking posts might be long, maybe tedious for some, but hopefully insightful when it comes to me and what goes on on the inside. SO if you're interested keep swimming.
This is where I've been for a couple hours today writing everything down. Kind of ok 👌🏻
I think a lot about a lot of things. A couple months ago I came across two articles/videos in which older women talked about what they wish they knew when they were younger. I got to thinking about it today when I read this article and how it's always easier to be smart in hindsight. I thought I'd be smart before it's too late instead and thought about what I, in my old days, will regret I didn't do now when I'm young.
The one thing I came up with was that I will regret I was never more confident. I always wanted people to like me and I had a hard time being at peace with who I was cause whenever I didn't fit in with some crowds I unconcsiously thought about how I could make them like me (which sounds very obssesive now, haha!). One thing I won't regret, however, is that I never became someone I'm not, I was only just different versions of myself with different people.
This kind of stuck with me and is a bit connected to me having performance anxiety. Occasionally when I'm down or something happens I get insecure and unsocialable and seclude myself from my surroundings. I easily go to the place where I doubt myself, and have a harder time seeing everyone else's flaws than my own. This is why I hate to have to prove myself to people, cause unless it's something that I know like the back of my hand and feel very comfortable with (like the horses and riding) I usully can't take the pressure. I have always managed in any professional situation, and usually excelled, and I got really good at hiding the anxiety, but I'm aaaalways a mess on the inside.
Sometimes I just want to be a loner, relax and don't have to feel any pressure. Life as myself is in general too much of a roller coaster where I'm either off the charts bored or way too excited which is something I've learned to embrace. And you get used to being the odd one out, after a while nothing is really that embarrassing anymore. I am also not the type of person who regrets things. Regret doesn't serve a purpose whatsoever. It's a lot like awkward silences, if you ignore them you won't feel it. 😏
Bottomline is - what I'd like to do with this train of thought I've been chewing on for the past week is to let go and be as weird as I want to. In a hundred years, no one will care anyway. Life lesson #1 --> Not everyone is going to like you, and negative people will be negative but that's their problem, don't make it into yours! You've got more than enough problems to deal with.
My goal this year is to be myself. Which is probably the most used phrase of all time, but something that's underestimated and way harder than it looks.
Always swim (you may walk, jump or dance too) in your own direction. You'll find more interesting things where no one's been before.